Self-Compassionate Living Newsletter, September 2025
“Consent and surrender become an eternal song of the present moment.”
Thomas Keating
“If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.
Thich Nhat Hanh
Silence requires practice because in the course of our everyday lives, noise is the norm rather than silence. Sometimes when we sit down to a time of silence, we can be overwhelmed by the chatter of our minds.
“Through practice, we can become fully present to this inner chatter, being compassionate with ourselves. We resist the silence often because we are afraid of what will be revealed, and yet the only way is to awaken fully to ourselves.”
Christine Valters-Paintner
Thank you for subscribing to the Self-Compassionate Living Newsletter! You can create and cultivate self-compassion by learning and practicing it. Engaging with a supportive community usually makes it easier. You signed up to receive this monthly newsletter as part of that effort. I will endeavor to inform and inspire you, and together, we will explore ways to treat ourselves better. Thank you for inviting me to join you on your journey!
This month's newsletter is about being present. This may seem like an irony, as we humans tend to think we are always present, and in a way, we are. However, there are various ways to be present, and when discussing self-compassion, one approach is particularly crucial: being mentally present. That is the direction we’ll go in this newsletter.
Self-compassion, a State of Mind, and Being Mentally Present
When I wake in the morning, one of the first things I do is meditate. (Meditation is simply a brain exercise where I focus on one thing, such as the feeling of my breath going in and out of my nose or repeating a sacred or special word. When my brain drifts from that focus, I bring it back to that single focus until it drifts again. I’ll talk more about this in a future newsletter.) Sometimes my brain is still, and I can relax in that stillness; most of the time, my brain is busy thinking about the day ahead, my plans, etc. Sometimes my brain is crazy; it can’t stay on a single thread of thought for more than a second or two before it careens off to another thought tenuously connected to the previous thought, and I feel dragged all over my skull, as if pulled by stampeding wild horses.
During my meditation, I begin creating or cultivating the state of mind I want to reside in for the day. Some days, I’m successful and cultivate peace before I leave my bedroom. Most days, at best, I only slow my brain down so I don’t feel so crazy. No matter what the results are, my goal is to spend the day residing in feelings of Joy, Peace, and Contentment. Some days I enjoy that result, and most days, I feel thankful for the added mental stability I've given myself through meditation, because I needed it.
It's all about my state of mind.
State of Mind
State of mind refers to the baseline or default way my brain processes information. I like my brain to be joyful, peaceful, and contented. When I meditate in the morning, I create or cultivate that attitude; when I don’t meditate, I force myself to adapt to whatever energy and activity space my brain is in when I awake; I potentially handicap myself.
Thus, meditation has become a daily practice for me to formulate the mental dexterity I desire to navigate daily life.
Part of that dexterity is my ability to stay present, even when I’m emotionally charged, because emotions tend to pull my brain into impulsive reactions instead of thoughtful, compassionate actions.
Mentally Present
Being self-compassionate typically requires us to be as aware as possible of our brain activity, because that activity generates our emotions and the corresponding bodily feelings and actions. This is much easier said (or typed) than done, because survival wants us to operate on autopilot as much as possible to save energy.
Survival is so sneaky in its goal of keeping us on autopilot that it even fools us into believing we’re mentally awake when we’re probably not. In other words, we are kept mentally asleep, even when we’re physically conscious. One way it does this is by allowing us to remember fragments of our day and then pressures us to believe we can remember the entire day. Yet, unless we’re consciously aware of our food (for example), many of us can’t remember what we had for lunch on most days. I’ll talk about autopilot in a future newsletter.
In our aim to be more self-compassionate, paying attention to our brain’s agendas is particularly important. By agendas, I mean the subtle motivations our brain has for compelling us to say certain things or take specific actions. If you’ve ever done or said something that you regret, autopilot is probably the reason. Autopilot works from memory and association. In the past, we have probably experienced something vaguely similar to what is generating the reactions our brain and body are experiencing now. Thus, when we are more aware of our triggered memories and our brain’s agendas, we are more likely to consciously respond instead of autopilot reacting. (I go into this in my Creating Self-Compassion class. You can learn more by clicking the blue class title.)
Being mentally present means that you consciously notice your brain has been activated or triggered. Then you consciously slow down your body’s automatic reactions so you can logically process and navigate the situation with grace and compassion for yourself and for everyone involved.
~
A recent conversation I overheard.
I was sitting at lunch, and the table next to mine appeared to host a married couple; they were emphatically talking at each other while appearing not to hear each other's message.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe he’s not going to help me, after all I’ve done for him.
WIFE: You done everything for him. Tell him he has to help you.
HUSBAND: I asked him weeks ago. How come he couldn’t remember his cousin's wedding then?
WIFE: He works for you! He has to help you!
HUSBAND: Weeks ago, and he couldn’t remember? I think he’s making up an excuse!
WIFE: If he won’t, ask some guy from the church!
HUSBAND: I mean, really! I gave him enough warning!
WIFE: Some guy from the church will help! Heaven knows you’ve given enough money to them! Stop complaining and ask a guy from the church!
HUSBAND: I always help him!... (He pauses and looks at his wife.) Why are you talking about the church?! You’re not listening to me!
I heard this and thought, “Wow! They can’t hear each other. It appears they can only hear the reactions in their brains.” Using my representation of the conversation as an example, one can see that the couple seemed to be talking at each other, rather than hearing the message in the speaker’s sentences and emotional expressions.
This was a good example of not being mentally present, and as a consequence, forcing more suffering on ourselves and others. Using the conversation above as an example, here’s what I mean.
Being Present to the Way One Feels.
When practicing self-compassion, being present means being consciously aware of the way we feel, and then consciously choosing to act in a way that doesn’t add suffering to our own or others’ lives. In the conversation above, had either person in that couple been present, their responses probably would have been different.
The husband might have recognized he was feeling negative.
Had the husband acknowledged his negative feelings to himself, he could have managed his mind and detached himself from the emotional pressures it was generating, thus allowing him to discuss it in a healthier, more detached manner.
The wife might have realized that she felt powerless because she couldn't fix the problem, and she could have realized she didn’t like feeling powerless. With that realization, she could have chosen a different course of response; instead of letting her desire to fix her powerless feelings, she could have let that pressure go and sat present, listening to her husband. In other words, she could either feed the venting or listen compassionately.
Lastly, had the husband been more aware, he could have realized his wife was suffering from watching her mate struggle and feeling powerless. Instead of attacking her with, “You’re not listening to me!” he could have mentally acknowledged how he felt, and then consciously listened to her message.
We are taught to complain as a way to release the internal pressures we feel. Yet if we pay attention to our brain and body, we soon learn that complaining tends to increase the pressure instead of releasing it; it’s noticing the short-term gain versus the long-term payoff. Alternatively, we can learn to be self-compassionate and manage the pressures in healthy ways, such as through good communication.
Back to the couple in the story above, I could take this dissection deeper because there are many layers of self-compassion and compassion towards their spouse that both parties had an opportunity to express. They didn’t because it seemed they both got stopped at the first hurdle, just noticing how they personally felt. In other words, neither person seemed to be mentally or emotionally present. Another way to say it is they did not appear to recognize what their brains were thinking, nor the compulsions of their bodies (especially their mouths) from those thoughts.
Had either one of them been mentally present enough to recognize they were suffering, either one of them could have saved themselves much heartache and, probably, saved the other person additional heartache, as well.
“That which we don’t transform, we transmit.”
Richard Rohr
By being self-compassionate, we help ourselves and others suffer less, especially by not exacerbating their suffering by unknowingly broadcasting our own personal sufferings in unhealthy ways.
Self-compassion starts with awareness.
To Be Mentally Present:
Step one: Notice the way we feel.
Ironically, not a lot of people are aware of how they are feeling. Instead, they personalize and entangle how they feel with who they are. A good example of this entanglement in communication is saying, “I am angry.” A detached perspective is saying, “I feel angry.” “I am angry” personalizes the feelings as our own. When using “I feel angry,” we acknowledge the emotional experience of our bodies without identifying with them.
If we pay attention to our bodies, we begin to notice emotions and feelings coursing through us constantly. We also notice that there tend to be patterns to what thoughts, words, and situations precede those feelings; we recognize the triggers.
With that knowledge, we gain a new power. That power is the ability to override our emotionally driven reactions and replace them with conscious, compassionate responses. When you do this, you are being self-compassionate.
Next Month
In next month’s newsletter, I don’t know what I’ll discuss. In a small group I hosted a few days before sending this, one person said, “Life is beautiful… and hard.” This statement impacted me because it gets directly to the struggle many of us face. I may write about this tension we all experience. If you have a particular topic you’d like to see discussed, please reply and suggest it.
On a Personal Note
I feel amazed at how much I’ve grown from the work I’ve done on the video series An Introduction to Practicing Self-Compassion. This is the series I promised you back in March, earlier this year, and I am not yet finished with it. My current goal is to complete it by the end of the year…
It is an eight-part video series, and I’ve now recorded the first video three times. The first two versions didn’t meet my standards, particularly in terms of video quality, including color, lighting, and camera angles. I’ve recorded the third version and addressed (I believe) the video technical issues. It’s edited, and I’m building the images I am using to help convey the information. Those images introduced me to a whole new set of problems with AI and copyright. I am collaborating with AI to create the images. After creating twelve images, I found out that some of the AI companies are very particular about AI copyright. So, to solve the problem, I purchased my own (very inexpensive) AI license, which gives me complete control over the images and copyright. Unfortunately, the smaller AI companies don’t have as mature AI engines, and it takes much longer to prompt an image that meets my exact specifications.
I have chosen the engine (imagine a computer paintbrush or photographer) that paints exactly what I instruct, it doesn’t think or see the world like I do. Therefore, I must be extremely precise with my instructions to achieve the desired image. Thus far, each image has taken between six and eight hours for me to get the instructions right, see the result, and rewrite the instructions to ensure the AI meets my requirements. I feel extremely happy with the results. I also had to work through feelings of impatience with the number of hours each image takes.
Thus, the videos are taking much longer than I wanted, and they have been a phenomenal exercise in awareness, clarity, and patience. May it be I finish by the end of the year…
In the meantime, your notes of encouragement, support, and love are invaluable. Thank you!!!! I thank God for this community. Each of you has been an inspiration to me. Thank you! As Ram Dass said, "We are all just walking each other home.” We are stronger when we help one another.
Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group
The Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group is fantastic! We’ve had between three and nine people at every meeting. We’ve also had some insightful and impactful conversations. Please consider joining us for one soon.
Please join us for the next Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group meetings on Saturday, September 20th and on October 4th, from 10 AM to 11:30 AM MDT. If you would like to join us, please click this link or visit our website and register here.
If you want to be reminded of the next biweekly Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group meetings, please reply, and I’ll add your name to that list.
In each meeting, after a brief introduction, we’ll do 10 minutes of stillness, and then we’ll discuss whatever comes up from the participants. The last discussion in the group has been remarkable!
I ask for a $10 to $15 donation per session; however, I will not turn anyone away for financial reasons. I have some scholarship money available.
Additionally, Contemplative Outreach is hosting me teaching Creating Self-Compassion Through Centering Prayer beginning October 9th. You can read about it and enroll here: Creating Self-Compassion Through Centering Prayer.
In conclusion
By this point, you've probably realized that self-compassionate living is about building a new relationship with your brain, specifically with managing your mind to create your life instead of just reacting to life. Self-compassion begins with mind management, allowing you to live with greater joy, peace, and contentment (JPC) and experience fewer negative emotions. I have learned the information I share in these newsletters from spiritual teachers, philosophers, and psychologists during the last thirty-three years. I share it with you, hoping it will help you practice self-compassion. Please utilize the material that resonates with you and explore and learn about your mind. You can create the life that you want to live.
See you next month, and may the rest of this month be peaceful.
Thank you for inviting me to walk with you.
Blair
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