Self-Compassionate Living Newsletter, April 2025
“Shame is essentially the degree to which you mistake your labels for your identity. If you draw your labels into the core of yourself, you can no longer see the center.”
Charlotte Kasl
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Victor Frankl
“After thirty years of mindfulness practice, I've learned that all mental activities have the same value, and we need to respect them all. They are all new and can be appreciated with wisdom and openness. If we discriminate against any mind state, we are discriminating against ourselves.”
Cuong Lu - Happiness is Overrated
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for subscribing to the Self-Compassionate Living Newsletter! You want to grow your self-compassion by learning, practicing, and having a community as a companion. You signed up to receive this monthly newsletter as part of that effort. I will endeavor to inform and inspire you, and together, we will explore ways to treat ourselves better. Thank you for inviting me to join you on your journey!
Last month, I introduced the concept of being present to your thoughts, feelings, and actions. This month, I’ll introduce a tool that my mentor taught me, which helps me be much more self-compassionate. Hopefully, you will find some parallels in your life, and you can take the nuggets of truth that resonate with you and utilize them to your benefit.
A Huge Burrito and You Are Not Your Feelings
Tony D’Souza is a Jesuit priest from Mumbai, India; he is also my mentor. Back in June of 2009, Tony came to town to give some awareness talks, and we went to lunch at Chipotle. I was also suffering from depression that year. Depression to me was a black fog that felt like rage and sadness around everything. Essentially, I was having a midlife crisis. I was telling Tony about “my” depression because he has a Ph.D. in psychology, he runs a counseling center in Mumbai, and he was sitting across from me, eating the biggest burrito I have ever seen, one small bite at a time.
For about three hours, I emotionally vomited all the rage, depression, and hopelessness I was experiencing. When I finished, Tony gently looked at me and said, “No, you’re not,” as he took another bite of his burrito.
“What?!” I yelled! “What do you mean I’m not? I just told you how depressed I have been for the past six months! Yes, I am depressed, sad, angry, and lost!”
“No, Blair, you’re not. You are Blair, and you are feeling depressed.”
My worldview collapsed in that instant. I was still experiencing the rage and the sadness, and I also logically understood they were experiences in my body; they were not me.
With a blank mind, I stared at Tony for half a minute as he chewed his burrito and meekly said, “Okay, you might be right.” What do I do about it?”
“I feel” versus “I am”
Tony took a drink, and then he said, “Start with changing your language. Instead of saying “I am depressed,” speak the truth and say, “I feel depressed.” Begin separating who you are from how you feel. Only then will you be able to discern objective reality from your emotional reactions.”
I was astounded. I studied Communication at university. I should have known this because it was a matter of communication in my brain. Yet, when I was caught up in the emotional reaction and story my brain was telling to justify the feelings it was experiencing, I was also personalizing my body's experience as happening to me. Yet, if I watched my mind and body, I could see that I was watching the experiences; thus I must have some measure of separation from them.
Part of Self-compassion is Recognizing You are not Your Thoughts and Feelings
Yes, this is a difficult concept to absorb. Yet, spiritual teachers and philosophers have said for eons that we are not our bodies. The late Sai Baba, a Hindu teacher, used to say that we are wearing a meat suit; we benefit by learning how to manage it. That mind/body management is self-compassion in action.
Granted, this management isn’t easy; yet when we realize that our brain and body are our advisors, we can consider their advice and then choose exactly the way we want to be in each situation. Recognizing that you feel emotions, while you are not the emotions, is one way to cultivate more self-compassion.
Of course, there are layers to this concept, and thus wisdom benefits us when we use it. I’ll discuss that in future newsletters.
So, to start detaching who you are from how your body feels, begin by changing how you speak. Instead of saying, “I am _____,” practice saying, “I feel _______” and notice the subtle difference you experience in how your body feels.
These are usually subtle changes, so you may need to do this several times before you recognize the differences. I suspect when you do, you’ll find that that small language change multiple times a day results in considerably less suffering you experience during that day.
Next Month
In next month's newsletter, I’ll discuss self-compassion, wisdom, and reality. You can also read all the previous newsletters by clicking Past Newsletters in the menu above or the arrows below.
On a Personal Note
I sent this monthly newsletter out a couple days early to sneak one more reminder about my upcoming Creating Self-Compassion class beginning Saturday April 5th at 10:00 until 11:30 AM. Please tell your friends about the class if you feel they would benefit from it. I did not advertise this class well and currently only two individuals are signed up; this means this will probably be a wonderful intimate class with excellent discussion, even if a few more join! So, please tell your friends about it or join it yourself if you want. Thank you! You can click or copy and paste the link to the class information and signup page:
https://self-compassionateliving.com/creating-self-compassion.html
In conclusion
By this point, you’ve probably realized that self-compassionate living is about building a new relationship with your brain. Self-compassion starts with mind management so you can live with more Joy, Peace, & Contentment (JPC) and experience fewer negative feelings. Above are some exercises to help you practice self-compassion. Please try them or others that you discover and learn about your mind so you can create the life that you want to live.
See you next month, and may the rest of this month be peaceful.
Thank you for inviting me to walk with you.
I believe in you!
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