Self-Compassionate Living Newsletter, November 2025
Thoughts of all kinds simply come and go. If we do not attach to them, push them away, fiddle, or meddle with our thoughts and sensations, they’ll simply arise and dissipate.
Heather Sanche
Without doubt, the mind is difficult to curb and restless, but it can be controlled by constant practice and non-attachment.
Bhagavad Gita
Book 6 “The True Yoga” verse 35
“Within you there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself,”
Hermann Hesse
"In the stillness of the quiet, if we listen, we can hear the whisper in the heart giving strength to weakness, courage to fear, hope to despair."
Howard Thurman
Thank you for subscribing to the Self-Compassionate Living Newsletter! You can create and cultivate self-compassion by learning and practicing it. Engaging with a supportive community usually makes it easier. You signed up to receive this monthly newsletter as part of that effort. I will endeavor to inform and inspire you, and together, we will explore ways to treat ourselves better. Thank you for inviting me to join you on your journey!
This month's newsletter focuses on managing your mind, emphasizing attachments and working with them through mental stillness.
Don Miguel Ruiz said, “The more attached you are, the more in hell you’re in”. He was repeating an idea that many spiritualities and philosophies have taught for eons. Upon reading that, I can imagine you’re thinking, “Nice, I’m in hell. Now, how do I get out of it?” That is where mental stillness and the awareness it creates come into the picture. Let’s start by discussing attachments and stillness, and how stillness helps us release the attachments that torment us.
First: What is an attachment?
One way to define an attachment is being glued or stuck to a thought. Generally, that thought is as simple as “I want this” or “I don’t want this,” and then our mind holds on to or gets hooked on supporting or defending that thought.
Frequently, this concept seems incomplete because the human mind doesn’t recognize thoughts as the foundation of everything we experience. Yet, everything we experience starts with a thought. I will not unpack the biomechanical reasons that explain this fact because it involves discussions of awareness, interpretation, and reality, which go beyond the scope of this newsletter. (Shameless advertisement here: I do offer coaching if you want to go deeper into this topic; reply to this email to get more info.) The quick explanation is that data enters our brain from our five senses or by other thoughts, and then our brain interprets that data to create our sense of reality; finally, we react to the interpretation, not reality itself.
Back to attachments.
Here’s a way to understand the process of attachment in our brains.
Our survival brain* feeds on emotions.
A thought enters our brain, and our body experiences an emotional reaction to that thought. Milliseconds later, a secondary thought, such as "I want this feeling” or “I don’t want this feeling,” occurs. These secondary thoughts and emotions are mental judgments of the initial thought and the emotions that accompany it. Then, those secondary thoughts generate feelings that compel us to take actions that either relieve or amplify the feelings we experienced from the initial thoughts. Importantly, these first and second thought processes are fast, and because this process happens so quickly (usually in 25 milliseconds or less), it is generally completely subconscious.
Those secondary reactions (usually judgments) to the initial thought are the key to attachments because they reveal our unconscious beliefs about how the initial thought benefits or tarnishes our (generally unconscious) beliefs. Again, the attachment is usually from the secondary layer, which reflects the initial judgment of “I want this” or “I don’t want this”. That simple conclusion then generates positive and negative feelings that feed our survival brain, and our survival brain likes to feed itself with emotions.
Another way to explain this is that repetitive emotional feeding is a form of attachment.
How do I stop the tendency of my brain to attach?
There is both good and bad news in answer to this question. First, the bad news: you don’t. Attachments are a necessary part of physical survival; they help glue us to the idea of gathering food, water, and maintaining temperature control. However, attachments are not generally helpful for thriving.
So, if you want to thrive, then you thrive better by learning ways to work with attachments; that means minimizing (as best as possible) using Survival Modes: fight, flight, freeze, grab & hold against your brain’s thoughts. Working with attachments is usually easier if you first understand another brain process—the process of desensitizing your brain to reactions.
Desensitization
Desensitization involves performing a task (mental or physical) repeatedly, to the point where your brain stops generating emotional reactions to the activity. Desensitization is a tool that our brain learns through repetition, much like a habit. Probably, you’ve experienced this without even realizing it. Think about some tasks you did that you really didn’t like. For example, perhaps as a child, there were chores you were assigned that you didn’t like. Every week, you did the chore, and your brain complained mightily. Yet, you did the chores week after week, even though sometimes you even felt like you were going to die. “This is so horrible!” Your brain would yell. Yet, you didn’t die, and every week, by not dying from the chores, your brain built a new memory of “I did the chores and I didn’t die.”
Eventually, your brain had accumulated enough memories of completing the chores without dying that those memories became the norm, and your brain stopped expending so much energy resisting the chores; essentially, the chores became a bit easier. Furthermore, as you kept doing the chores with that ‘not dying’ mental attitude, your brain kept building memories of surviving chores so that every month it became even easier. Eventually, your brain gave up resisting the chores altogether. You didn’t like the chores, and you also didn’t waste energy resisting them either. They just were something you did.
By repeating an unpleasant task, you desensitize your brain to something you don’t like.
Our brains undergo the same desensitization process with thoughts and feelings, and that’s where it gets tricky. As humans, many of us have experienced a great deal of life, including things we don’t enjoy. We have created many memories using desensitization. In other words, we’ve gotten used to unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Thus, the secret to thriving is recognizing the thoughts and feelings you dislike, even though you’re accustomed to them, which leads us into awareness and practicing it with stillness. Hopefully, this information will make your stillness practice feel much more meaningful.
Awareness of the things to which your brain is desensitized.
We now understand and remember experiencing some form of desensitization, especially to things we didn’t like in the past. Let’s go a bit further.
Currently, there are negative thoughts and feelings we’ve become desensitized to, and even though we’re no longer aware of them, we continue to experience them in our present. Remember, if they feel negative, we’re suffering. In other words, we inadvertently suffer because we’re used to the feeling. We’ve become desensitized to suffering. I often describe this type of suffering as an invisible splinter in your finger; just because you can’t see it, it doesn’t mean you’re not experiencing discomfort from it.
One challenging aspect of awareness is familiarizing yourself with the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing, especially the uncomfortable ones that you've become desensitized to. The problem is that some thoughts and feelings are so “normal” that you don’t even notice how negative they feel. In other words, thoughts and feelings that you’re used to haunt you with negativity all the time, like a storm cloud that is constantly misting on you. You are so used to it that you might even expect it or even miss it when it’s gone.
What can I do about this unrecognized “normal”?
As you go about your day, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Frequently stop and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?”; “What am I thinking that is generating those feelings?” It usually helps to ask yourself both questions and become aware of your brain's default thinking patterns. (For me, I typically notice how I’m feeling before I identify the thoughts that generate those feelings.)
No matter how long it takes, if you keep searching, you will learn to see the subtle layers of your mind, and that awareness will give you power. Specifically, it’ll provide you with the skill to identify distorting thoughts, their resulting distorted feelings, and, with time, the wisdom to discern new ways through those distorted thoughts, feelings, and situations. It’s a process that often requires patience with your mind, because parts of your brain won't like exposing something that's gone unnoticed for so long.
Thus, becoming aware of your regular mental patterns will give you information to plant in your brain. From that seed, wisdom can germinate and grow, especially with the nourishment of stillness.
Stillness: desensitizing your brain one thought at a time.
Now, let’s tie all this information together with stillness. Other words for stillness are meditation, Centering Prayer, yoga, awareness, or contemplation.
Stillness is a brain gym where we learn and practice managing our minds and our thoughts. Earlier, I mentioned that everything starts with thoughts. Thus, the better we manage our thoughts, the better life we can create for ourselves. We manage our thoughts by setting our intentions to recognize those thoughts and tasks that influence our brain state.
Frequently, another significant part of that intention is to be present and not get caught up in reactionary thinking. Unfortunately, usually within moments of beginning our practice, our brain becomes bored and quickly drifts to more entertaining thoughts. Eventually, we notice our brain has drifted, and we bring it back to being present, often by using an anchor or tether that helps us refocus our brain, such as the feel of our breath or concentrating on a sacred word. The instructions are straightforward; practicing them is typically much more challenging.
Practicing Mind Management
To begin, select a point of focus, such as the sensation of your breath as you inhale and exhale, the repetition of a special word or mantra, or simply being present in the here and now. Generally, your mental focus will only last a second or two. Then your brain will drift on to more interesting thoughts, like the lunch menu, your next task after you “finish”, or anything more interesting than just sitting present. When you notice your brain has drifted off your point of focus, gently bring it back to your focus point using your sacred word, the sensation of your breath, or some mental or sensory event to refocus your mind; use it as an anchor or tether to reconnect with your intention.
As you repeatedly bring your mind back from drifting, your brain slowly learns that it’s costing a lot of energy to keep chasing after stimuli or triggers with emotional reactions. Paramount to this process is that your mind eventually learns that most triggers can be noticed without any emotional investment. In other words, you’re desensitizing your brain to triggers and learning to notice without further energy expenditure. This noticing without reaction is similar to watching cars pass you on a road; they are just driving past you. In the same way, thoughts are just passing through your brain. Furthermore, as you practice this in your times of stillness, the knowledge gradually permeates most of your daily thoughts, and your daily life becomes less reactive.
You are living what you have created: the mental space to thrive without reactions pulling you away from your intentions.
Practice Makes Progress
Implementing desensitization in your daily life is a result of practicing it every day, especially in the brain gym of stillness. The more stillness you practice, the more your desensitization will grow. Thus, practice is the key to making progress and thriving more.
Next Month
In next month’s newsletter, I’ll probably discuss Identification and the resulting thinking of “I’m not worthy”, and learning to see those thoughts dispassionately, so you can live more fully.
If you have a particular topic you’d like to see discussed, please reply and suggest it to me.
On a Personal Note
If you’ve read the previous months’ newsletters, you know I’ve talked about my goal of creating a video series called “An Introduction to Practicing Self-Compassion". Everyone who has signed up for the newsletter will receive access to the video series upon its completion. Part of fulfilling my goal is to create images that effectively describe my script in the videos, and that image creation is proving much more difficult than I had expected. Thus, I doubt I’ll finish the video series by the end of the year. I am still working on it diligently; the work is just going slowly. Fortunately, I feel happy with the work I’ve completed so far. I am writing all this to ask you to please forgive the multiple delays in releasing this video series. I will release it as soon as I finish it.
Your replies of encouragement, support, and love mean a tremendous amount to me; thank you! I thank God for this community. Each of you has been an inspiration to me. Thank you! As Ram Dass said, "We are all just walking each other home.” We are stronger when we help each other. Thank you for being so helpful!
Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group
The Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group is fantastic! We’ve had between three and nine people at every meeting. We’ve also had some insightful and impactful conversations. Please consider joining us soon.
The next Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group meeting is scheduled for Saturday, November 15th, from 10:00 AM to 11:30 AM MDT. If you would like to join us, please click this link or visit the Self-CompassionateLiving.com website to register.
If you would like to be reminded of the biweekly Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group meetings, please reply to this newsletter, and I’ll add your name to the notification list.
In each meeting, after a brief introduction, we observe 10 minutes of silence, followed by a discussion of any topics related to self-compassion that arise from the participants. I may also spend about 10 minutes unpacking the themes that emerge in the discussion.
I ask for a donation of $10 to $15 per session; however, all are welcome. I will not turn anyone away for financial reasons. I have some scholarship money available.
In conclusion
By this point, you've probably realized that self-compassionate living is about building a new relationship with your brain, specifically with managing your mind to create your life instead of just reacting to life. Self-compassion begins with mind management, allowing you to live with greater joy, peace, and contentment (JPC) and experience fewer negative emotions. I have learned the information I share in these newsletters from spiritual teachers, philosophers, and psychologists during the last thirty-three years. I share it with you, hoping it will help you practice self-compassion. Please utilize the material that resonates with you and explore and learn about your mind. You can create the life that you want to live.
See you next month, and may the rest of this month be peaceful.
Thank you for inviting me to walk with you.
Blair
*I have made a glossary for many of the words I use in these newsletters, my classes, and coaching. You can find the glossary here: https://blairashby.com/glossary.html.
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