“If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable.”
Fred Rogers
“Practice makes progress.”
Alden (A reader’s grandson)
The Tibetan word for meditation means "to become familiar with."
The times are urgent; let us slow down.
African Saying
Dear Friend,
Thank you for subscribing to the Self-Compassionate Living Newsletter! You can create and cultivate self-compassion by learning and practicing it. Engaging with a supportive community usually makes it easier. You signed up to receive this monthly newsletter as part of that effort. I will endeavor to inform and inspire you based on what I’ve learned from my personal experience. Please take the parts that aid your journey so that, hopefully, we can live happier, easier lives and explore together ways to treat ourselves better. Thank you for inviting me to join you on your journey! *
I have a glossary of many of the words and concepts related to self-compassion that I discuss in this newsletter, in my classes, and in my one-to-one coaching. You can find that glossary here: https://blairashby.com/glossary.html
This month, I’m continuing the discussion of awareness because I’ve found it to be the foundation on which all other self-compassion skills are built. Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers for my American readers) said it best when he said: “If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable.” Mentioning, even mentally to ourselves, is the conclusion of awareness (see the formula below). Thus, we must be aware of our minds so we can manage them and suffer as little as possible in daily life. For many, though, our survival mind is trained (usually by our upbringing) to resist reality whenever reality doesn’t align with our survival mind’s assumptions.
Thus, becoming aware of our default programming is paramount to creating the life we want to live. Awareness, then, is, for many, the secret to a more fulfilling life.
First: A reminder of ‘What is awareness?’
Awareness is the conscious recognition of the thoughts, feelings, and actions you daily experience (your survival mind’s initial judgments), as well as the additional layers of thoughts and feelings that you experience about those initial judgments.
As an example, imagine a person who is angry about what they heard a TV newscaster say (the initial judgment). That anger prompts physical action: they yell at the newscaster (their reaction). Ironically, they then feel stupid and embarrassed about yelling at an image on a TV screen (the judgment of the initial judgment). Here’s the reason recognizing this behavior is important. The initial judgment, the anger, feels negative, which is suffering. Then the judgment on the initial judgment adds to that suffering. Interestingly, all this suffering is optional, though it’s probably unintentional (I will discuss this dichotomy in a future newsletter).
An important point to notice is that emotions are the giveaway. If you are looking for a starting point to be self-compassionate, noticing the way you’re feeling is an option (awareness of my feelings is where I started). When you are feeling something and nothing is physically touching you, the feelings you’re experiencing are emotions that your brain/body translates into physical sensations. For example, many people say someone is a pain in the neck, yet no one can be a pain in the neck. However, you can experience neck pain when talking with someone. Unless something is physically manipulating your neck, the neck pain is caused by thoughts in your brain that are not aligned with reality. The discomfort comes from your body interpreting misaligned thoughts as negative physical sensations. Can you look beyond the physical discomfort to the underlying thoughts? That is the self-compassion in action.
The way to move beyond unnecessary suffering is to accept reality as it is.
Unfortunately, in practicing self-compassion, accepting reality as it is can be uncomfortable. So, when your brain resists reality as it is, please be gentle with your survival mind as it raises the resistance you feel. That resistance is usually signaled by negative feelings. The irony is your survival mind is just trying to protect you from the resulting negative emotions it is generating. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have the capacity for logical thinking; your survival mind cannot see that it’s causing the negative feelings that it’s trying to resist.
Remember this formula from last month? The survival mind doesn’t “understand” it while it utilizes it. Using the formula without understanding unintentionally tortures us with negative feelings.
My thoughts genery feelings.
My feelings compel my actions.
My actions create my life.
The irony is your survival mind is trying to protect you from itself.
I realize the headline doesn’t make sense. Logically, if something hurts us physically, we cease the physical activity causing the discomfort. Yet, strangely, if it hurts us mentally/emotionally—suffering, in other words—our survival mind frequently feeds the dominant emotions, causing us to suffer more. When we feel negative, we want those feelings to disappear, yet our survival mind continues to ruminate on them and talk about them in ways that feed them more energy. This rumination usually makes the feelings more potent. (Please note I said “usually”. There are ways to ruminate without increasing our suffering; this is where our attachments and detaching from them join the conversation… in a future newsletter)
Counterintuitively, the survival mind often does the opposite when it comes to positive feelings. When things feel positive, the survival mind tends to quickly amplify those feelings with exciting actions and talk until the feelings can’t get any stronger (this is Grab & Hold, or grasping in action). As soon as grasping reaches its maximum, the survival mind begins to worry that the positive feeling won’t last. Ironically, that “worrying” begins sapping the energy our survival mind uses to feel positive. Consequently, this energy drain causes the feelings to burn out much more quickly.
To summarize: when we are unaware, the survival brain feeds negative feelings energy, and the negativity grows stronger; then, ironically, when positive feelings are fed while unaware, they burn out faster. The survival mind is counterintuitive and illogical.
Notes on the Survival Brain
If you’ve taken my Creating Self-Compassion Class, you may remember three critical points I made about the survival mind.
It’s your personal Google. It can retrieve the memories of anything you have ever experienced, including thoughts and feelings you’ve had.
It has no capacity for logical thought. It can remember 2 + 2 = 4 if it’s learned it. However, if you haven’t stored that fact as a memory, the survival mind can’t logically calculate the answer, and it generates confusing thoughts and feelings.
It is the generator of most of the emotions you experience.
Because it can’t logically process anything, the survival mind can’t distinguish between its thoughts and physical reality; it treats thoughts and emotions as physical reality rather than merely as perceptions of it.
Here is a quick description of how it functions.
When something happens, your sensory organs (eyes, ears, nose, tongue, skin) perceive it and send the information (data) to your survival mind (the Limbic System). Upon receiving that data, your survival mind quickly compares it to its memories (your personal Google), looking for any solution that helped you survive a similar situation in the past. Upon finding something that protected you last time, your survival mind generates the same thoughts and emotions as the last time you experienced that trigger. Those feelings then compel you to take the same action that allowed you to survive the mental or physical trigger previously. All this happens in 25 to 100 milliseconds. (There are 1000 milliseconds (ms) in one second).
Simultaneously, the data also moves into your sensory cortex and eventually your frontal cortex. The sensory cortex begins to recognize the situational information, and the frontal cortex then thinks logically about the data. Unfortunately, this logical thinking process can take up to 15 seconds. In survival terms, the frontal cortex is really slow!
Thinking is slow; reacting is fast!
Unfortunately, the entire process described above generally occurs without conscious awareness; our true self (our agency) has no idea it is happening. Then our brain tends to believe we are making logical decisions, even though memory and habits may be making the majority of them. This unconscious brain activity is why awareness becomes so imperative for agency in our lives. Here is an example I experience several times a year.
The area where I live in Colorado has many black bears; I see them frequently on my daily walks, especially in spring. Fortunately, Black Bears rarely hurt people unless they’re a mother with cubs and feeling threatened. When I first moved here, upon seeing a bear, my survival brain always generated fear, compelling me to run. If I see a mother with her cubs, the cubs are frequently chasing each other. Do you see the problem? If I followed my survival mind and "ran," the cubs might see it as a game, and they occasionally chase humans. To the bear cub, chasing is a game. For human survival, running is exactly the worst thing to do. Yet, my survival mind says run. How do I navigate this dilemma?
This is where awareness and timing come into play.
The Power of the Pause
I first heard Terry Hershey say “The power of the pause” in 2016. (Here’s a little plug for Terry; he offers a fantastic newsletter called Sabbith Moment; please sign up on his website, TerryHershey.com). Through research, I learned the survival-mind reaction usually takes 25 to 50ms (a blink of an eye). Unfortunately, the logical thinking part of our brain doesn’t receive the information until at least 100ms has passed, and, after thinking about it, doesn’t send a conscious response to our body for at least another 500ms to 15 full seconds. Thus, there is usually half a second or more of time between the survival mind’s unconscious reaction and the logical mind’s conscious response. The response is usually the better decision! Therefore, to better utilize the logical parts of our minds, we teach ourselves to pause.
Here’s how it works: once our survival mind is triggered, it initiates the survival reaction, and we can’t stop its mental retrieval and processing. However, we don’t have to do whatever it compels us to do. Instead, we can train ourselves to pause for a breath. In that pause, we’re giving the data time to reach our logical mind and be processed more rationally. The secret, then, is training your mind to pause. I’ve found it takes practice.
When I first started trying to pause, I didn’t do it particularly well. Instead, I usually habitually reacted. However, I also worked on noticing what my brain/body was doing, so I became familiar with my autopilot reactions and, more importantly, with how I felt before and during them. I soon learned to recognize (the majority of the time) when I felt triggered. Upon recognizing I was triggered, I began purposefully forcing my brain/body to pause for a breath. With practice, the pause became mostly habitual. (I say mostly because occasionally a trigger brings up an older memory, which isn’t tied to pausing, and it becomes time to teach myself to pause when that trigger happens. Self-compassion is a process.)
Thus, consider practicing the pause in your daily life. You’ll be teaching your brain/body a skill that will help you navigate triggering situations with less or even no suffering, and consequently, more self-compassion.
A final inspiration… I hope.
The brain, especially the survival mind, is like a pet; it can be trained. Usually, that training starts when we’re young, by repeating what we absorbed growing up watching our elders. When we begin practicing awareness, we notice how we’re acting and how we want to act. That recognition allows us to intentionally create the life we want to live. Agency means we get to choose whether we are aware or on autopilot. Behaviors we can’t see, own our lives. Once we become aware of those behaviors, though, we can choose and practice being the kind of human we want to be in the world.
Self-compassion often isn’t easy; it usually takes awareness, intention, and patience. Yet the reward is that we comport ourselves as we want. That is true self-agency. Knowing what you really, Really, REALLY want, and creating yourself to be the person you really, Really, REALLY want to be. It’s a constant effort with a constant reward.
I believe in you!
Next Month
In next month’s newsletter, I think I’ll probably continue discussing awareness and its sub-threads. Here is a list of threads I’ve noted about this topic; I don’t think I’ll discuss all of them, though. Please feel free to write me with more:
-Storytellers & their lawyers
-Opposition or opportunity
-Unconditional acceptance of oneself
-What’s wrong with me?
-Honesty with oneself, especially with the negative stuff
-Seems Like, Feels like, Is
-Awareness and Reality
-Wisdom notices problems before discomfort makes them obvious.
-Discern what you can control.
-Recognize when tiredness is the root of your thinking
-Mind takes a few minutes to settle down
-Resistance to process
-Expectations: attachments to an outcome
If you have a particular topic you’d like to see discussed, please reply and suggest it to me.
On a Personal Note:
Above, I wrote several paragraphs about the survival mind process; I wrote and re-wrote that section for over seven hours across six days. Eventually, I realized I wanted to be exceptionally clear, and a few paragraphs didn’t provide the bandwidth to achieve that clarity. After thinking about that experience for several days, I started to believe that a video talking about, and more importantly, showing examples explaining the process, seems like a better option; I decided to pause and think about that. The next day, I started to think that maybe this video would fit into the 8-part series I’ve been promising for almost two years. Hmmm…. I’ll continue to watch these thoughts unfold and let my brain process them. We’ll see what comes out of this process.
I want to do the 8-part series. I’ve committed to myself to do it. However, I’ve missed the timelines I set several times, so for the moment, I’m not binding myself to a due date. I will also continue to make notes, outlines, and research ideas, though. I believe this series will happen when it’s time. Thank you for your patience while I create this new program. I appreciate you!
~
I spent a lot of time writing, rewriting, and composing the paragraphs describing the survival brain process. I expend this time for all the newsletters; each newsletter takes me between 10 and 20 hours a month to compose. I do this because I want to understand and describe my brain and be more self-compassionate. With that knowledge, I want to teach others how to be more self-compassionate as well.
As you can imagine, though, this is time I am not spending earning a living, and some months, I'm very aware of the consequences of my choice. For this reason, I am building a donation page on Self-CompassionateLiving.com. Will you please consider supporting this website and my goal of minimizing suffering? Next month, I will include the address of the page I’ve built. In addition to one-time donations, I suspect I’ll also offer different levels of monthly support and gifts of appreciation for whichever level you feel comfortable contributing. Thank you for considering this request. NO matter what, I’ll continue writing the monthly newsletter and offering it for free to anyone who wants to learn more about self-compassion. Thank you.
~
Your replies of encouragement, support, and love mean a tremendous amount to me; thank you! I thank God for this community. Each of you has been an inspiration to me. Thank you! As Ram Dass said, "We are all just walking each other home.” We are stronger when we help each other. Thank you for being so helpful!
Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group
2 or 3 days before each discussion group, I send a notification for the upcoming meeting. I want to respect your privacy, so I will not send you notifications about upcoming discussion group meetings unless you ask to be notified. If you would like to be reminded about the biweekly Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group meetings, please write to me here and ask me to add your name to the notification list. This reminder notification list does not sign you up to attend; it only notifies you of the next biweekly meeting.
The Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group has been deeply impactful for so many. Please join us for the next one on Saturday, July 11th,, from 10 to 11:30 AM MST.
The next two Self-Compassion Discussion & Inspiration Group meetings are scheduled for Saturday, July 11th, from 10:00 AM to 11:30 AM MST, and Saturday, July 25th, from 10:00 AM to 11:30 AM MDT. Please join us.
Click this HYPERLINK "https://donate.stripe.com/8x2cMU60meyX4MYdUW3Nm06"link to visit the Self-CompassionateLiving.com webpage to learn more and to register.
In each meeting, after a brief introduction, we observe 10 minutes of silent stillness, followed by a discussion of any self-compassion-related topics raised by participants. I may also spend about 10-15 minutes unpacking the themes that emerge in the discussion.
I humbly ask for a $10- $15 donation per session; however, all are welcome. No one will be turned away for financial reasons.
If you’ve taken my Creating Self-Compassion Class, you may remember three critical points I made about the survival mind.
It’s your personal Google. It can retrieve the memories of anything you have ever experienced, including thoughts and feelings you’ve had.
It has no capacity for logical thought. It can remember 2 + 2 = 4 if it’s learned it. However, if you haven’t stored that fact as a memory, the survival mind can’t logically calculate the answer, and it generates confusing thoughts and feelings.
It is the generator of most of the emotions you experience.
Because it can’t logically process anything, the survival mind can’t distinguish between its thoughts and physical reality; it treats thoughts and emotions as physical reality rather than merely as perceptions of it.
Here is a quick description of how it functions.
When something happens, your sensory organs (eyes, ears, nose, tongue, skin) perceive it and send the information (data) to your survival mind (the Limbic System). Upon receiving that data, your survival mind quickly compares it to its memories (your personal Google), looking for any solution that helped you survive a similar situation in the past. Upon finding something that protected you last time, your survival mind generates the same thoughts and emotions as the last time you experienced that trigger. Those feelings then compel you to take the same action that allowed you to survive the mental or physical trigger previously. All this happens in 25 to 100 milliseconds. (There are 1000 milliseconds (ms) in one second).
Simultaneously, the data also moves into your sensory cortex and eventually your frontal cortex. The sensory cortex begins to recognize the situational information, and the frontal cortex then thinks logically about the data. Unfortunately, this logical thinking process can take up to 15 seconds. In survival terms, the frontal cortex is really slow!
In Conclusion
By this point, you've probably realized that self-compassionate living is about building a new relationship with your brain, specifically by managing your mind to create your life rather than just reacting to it. Self-compassion begins with mind management, allowing you to live with greater joy, peace, and contentment (JPC) and experience fewer negative emotions. I have learned the information I share in these newsletters from spiritual teachers, philosophers, and psychologists during the last thirty-four years. I'm sharing it with you in the hope it helps you practice self-compassion. Please utilize the material that resonates with you and explore and learn about your mind. You can create the life that you want to live.
See you next month, and may the rest of this month be peaceful.
Thank you for inviting me to walk with you.
I believe in you!
Happy Holidays!
Blair
Blair@Self-CompassionateLiving.com
Self-CompassionateLiving.com
*I have made a glossary for many of the words I use in these newsletters, my classes, and coaching. You can find the glossary here: https://blairashby.com/glossary.html
PS: If you have any thoughts, comments, or questions, please reply to this email. Additionally, please share this email with those you care about. If you were forwarded this email and you want to receive it directly, please subscribe here: Subscribe to the Self-Compassionate Living Newsletter
Self-CompassionateLiving.com is committed to offering anyone, in any belief system, tools to help them reduce the suffering they experience and increase the Joy, Peace, and Contentment they feel. It’s about creating meaning for each moment by managing your mind, so you treat yourself with love and kindness.
All writing, videos, and photographs by Blair Ashby unless otherwise noted.
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